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Bullies / Bullying
Bullying can happen to anyone at any age, but knowing what to do about it is the key.
If your child has always enjoyed learning, but lately seems eager to avoid school by complaining of not feeling well, it's possible that the problem has nothing to do with how last night's dinner was digested. Your child could be worried sick about a schoolyard bully.
Bullies can take the fun out of school, where bullying happens the most, and turn something simple like a ride on the bus, a stop at a locker, or a walk to the bathroom into a scary event that is worried about all day.
Children who are bullied often experience low self-esteem and depression. Those doing the bullying may go on to engage in more destructive, anti-social behaviours as teens and later as adults. Bullies have often have been bullied themselves, whether at school, in the neighbourhood, or at home, and may pick on others to feel powerful, popular, important, or in control. Often, they antagonize the same children repeatedly.
Sadly, bullying is widespread, yet many children are afraid to say anything or to step in for fear of repercussions.
If your child is a victim of bullying, you can help reduce intimidation and fear by listening and by offering to help. If your child is the bully, you'll need to emphasize that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable. You can also discuss why he or she is doing it and how to stop it.
The Different Ways Kids Bully
Bullying behaviour is not always easy to define. Where do you draw the line between good-natured ribbing and bullying? Although teasing resembles bullying because it can prompt feelings of anger or embarrassment, teasing can be less hostile and done with humor, rather than harm. Teasing often promotes an exchange between people rather than a one-sided dose of intimidation.
Although the black eye is a concrete sign that your child may be a victim of bullying, there are many different ways in which children bully that are not always as easy to spot.
* Physical bullying is probably the best known form of bullying. It can accompany verbal bullying and involves things like kicking, hitting, biting, pinching, hair pulling, or threats of physical harm.
* Verbal bullying involves name-calling, mocking, put-downs, and laughing at a child's expense.
* Emotional or Social bullying can be more subtle and can involve isolating or excluding a child from activities (ie, shunning the victim in the lunchroom or on school outings) or spreading rumours.
* Racist bullying is picking on children through racial slurs, through offensive gestures, or by making jokes about a child's cultural traditions.
* Sexual bullying involves unwanted physical contact or sexually abusive or inappropriate comments.
Cyber bullying is a relatively new phenomenon. It began surfacing as modern communication technologies advanced. Through e-mail, instant messaging, internet chat rooms, and electronic gadgets such as camera cell phones, cyber bullies forward and spread hurtful images and/or messages. Bullies use this technology to harass victims at all hours.
Despite the common notion that bullying is a problem mostly among boys, both boys and girls bully. Boys and girls can, however, vary in the ways that they bully. Girls tend to inflict pain on a psychological level (i.e. by excluding others and by ignoring them). Boys, on the other hand, are not as subtle and they can get more physical. Boy bullies are, for example, more apt to insult their victims on the playground than to ignore them or to become physical with them.
Why Kids Bully
* They are dealing with a difficult situation at home.
* They have been bullied in the past.
* Someone is different from them (overweight, wears glasses, has big ears, severe acne, etc., learns at a different pace, or is insecure).
* They think that their behaviour is normal because they come from families in which everyone regularly gets angry, shouts, and/or calls names.
* They have low self-esteem.
Whatever the cause, bullies usually pick on others as a way of dealing with their own problems. Sometimes, they pick on others because they need a victim, someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker, to try to gain acceptance and to feel more important, popular, or in control. Bullies are not necessarily bigger or stronger than their victims.
Signs That a Child Is Being Bullied
* bruises, scratches, etc.
* inventing mysterious illnesses to avoid school (ie, stomachaches, headaches, etc.)
* missing belongings or money
* sleeping problems
* bedwetting
* unusual irritability
* poor concentration
* unexplained problems with schoolwork
Being bullied can also have long-term consequences, affecting the way children form relationships as adolescents and adults and even possibly leading to more serious problems like substance abuse and depression. In addition, bully victims are more likely to experience anxiety and depression.
How to Help if Your Child Is Being Bullied
Being a good listener is one of the best ways to comfort your child. Just talking about the problem and knowing you care can be helpful. Your child is likely to feel vulnerable while discussing bullying and how it makes him or her feel, so it's important to show your love and support.
If you find out that your child is being bullied, don't add to the burden by becoming angry. Although it's understandable to be upset, be careful not to let your child see that. Your sadness could be misinterpreted as disappointment. Be sure to validate your child's feelings. Do not minimize them.
You should also reassure your child that he or she is not to blame. Explain that bullies are often confused or unhappy people who do not feel good about themselves.
Artwork and drawings or puppets may prompt younger victims to talk about bullies. Older children, however, may be helped by direct questions, like asking them to talk about their "friends" and "enemies."
To help ward off bullies, give your child these tips:
* Hold the anger. Bullies want to know that they have control over your child's emotions. Each time they get a reaction from your child, it adds fuel to the bully's fire. Getting angry just makes the bully feel more powerful.
* Never get physical or bully back. Your child should never use physical force (like kicking, hitting, or pushing) to deal with a bully. Not only does that show anger, but your child can never be sure what the bully will do in response. Tell your child that it's best to hang out with others, stay safe, and get help from an adult.
* Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Tell your child to look the bully in the eye and say something like, "I want you to stop right now." Tell your child to then walk away with his/her head high and to ignore any further taunts. Sooner or later, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother your child.
* Use humour. In a situation where your child has to deal with a bully and cannot walk away with poise, tell him/her to use humour or to offer a compliment to throw the bully off guard. Tell your child not to use humour to make fun of the bully!
* Tell an adult. If your child is being bullied, it's very important for him/her to tell an adult. Teachers, principals and parents at school can all help to stop it.
* Talk about it. It may help your child to talk to a guidance counselor, a teacher, or a friend. Talking can be a good outlet for the fears and frustrations that can build when your child is being bullied.
* Use the buddy system. Enlisting the help of friends or a group may help both your child and others to stand up to bullies. The bully wants to be recognized and feel powerful, after all, so a lot of bullying takes part in the presence of peers. Also, tell your child to make a plan to buddy up with a friend or two on the way to school, on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess or lunch. Tell your child to offer to do the same for a friend who's having trouble with a bully. When one person speaks out against a bully, others will take a stand, too.
* Develop more friendships by joining clubs or sports programs. Encourage regular play or social visits with other children at your home. Being in a group with other kids may help to build your child's self-esteem and to give your child a larger group of positive peers to spend time with and to turn to.
If necessary, go to school with your child and talk to his/her teacher, school counselor, or principal about the bullying. In certain extreme cases, it may be necessary to contact legal authorities. Safety should be everyone's concern. If you've tried the previous methods and still feel the need to speak to the bullying child's parents, it's best to do so within the context of the school, where a school official, such as a counselor, can mediate.
If Your Child Is the Bully
Learning your child is the bully can be shocking, but it is important to remain calm and to avoid becoming defensive. You may have a greater impact if you express disappointment, not anger, to your child.
Because bullying often stems from unhappiness or insecurity, try to find out if something is bothering your child. Children who bully aren't likely to confess to their behaviour, but you'll need to try to get your child to talk. Here are some questions that may help.
* How do you feel about yourself?
* How do you think things are going at school and at home?
* Are you being bullied?
* Do you get along with other kids at school?
* How do you treat other children?
* What do you think about being considered a bully?
* Why do you think you are bullying other kids?
* What might help you to stop bullying?
To get to the bottom of why your child is hurting others, you may also want to schedule an appointment to talk to your child's school counselor or another mental health professional.
If you suspect that your child is a bully, it's important to address the problem to try to mend your child's mean ways. After all, bullying is violence, and it often leads to more anti-social and violent behaviour as the bully grows up. In fact, as many as 1 out of 4 elementary school bullies have a criminal record by the time they're 30. Some teen bullies also end up being rejected by their peers and lose friendships as they grow older. Bullies may also fail in school and may not have the career or relationship success that other people enjoy.
Helping Your Child Stop Bullying
* Emphasize that bullying is a serious problem. Make sure your child understands you will not tolerate bullying and that bullying others will have consequences at home.
* Teach your child to treat people who are different with respect and with kindness.
* Find out if your child's friends are also bullying. If so, seek a group intervention through your child's principal, school counselor, and/or teachers.
* Set limits. Stop any show of aggression immediately and help your child find non-violent ways to react.
* Observe your child interacting with others and praise appropriate behaviour. Positive reinforcement is more powerful than negative discipline.
* Talk with school staff and ask how they can help your child change his or her bad behaviour.
* Set realistic goals and don't expect an immediate change. As your child learns to modify behaviours, offer assurances that you still love him or her and that it is the behaviour that you do not like.
Getting Help for Both Bullies and Kids Being Bullied
A big part of helping your child is not being afraid to ask others for assistance and advice. Whether your child is being bullied or is the one doing the bullying, you may need to get outside help. In addition to talking to your child's teachers, you may also want to take advantage of school counseling services.
You may also want to talk to the school principal about bullying policies. Ask how bullies are disciplined and whether areas where bullies harass people, like stairwells or the schoolyard, are observed by staff. Voice your concerns to teachers, to fellow parents, to school bus drivers, to school counselors, to the school board, and to the parent-teacher association. If the environment at your child's school supports bullying, working to change it may help.
Written by: Evan's Mom, Janette
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